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Mom Real Talk

by Christa on August 10, 2014

in Baby Gins

I love being a mom. Rachel is beyond awesome. My heart soars when she smiles and giggles. It’s amazing to watch her learn new things. She is so happy and soooo curious! A little monkey, too. We are going to have our hands full very soon.

But what goes along with the joy I get from parenting is also all of the emotions I have on the opposite end of the spectrum. My horrible PPD aside (story for another day), my outlook on life has changed.

Before I had Rach, everyone kept saying, “Your world is about to change.” I didn’t know how true that was. I thought it was just another cliche! It’s not.

Maybe this is just me, but I’ve never been so aware of my own mortality. I never gave death much thought before, but now I am terrified. I don’t want Rachel to ever be without me, or me without her. Infinity would not be long enough with my little family. So now I’m just constantly paranoid, hyperaware, overly cautious. Oh well.

And then I’m like, well – this is how my mom felt too! She probably still feels this way – you don’t stop being a mom just because your kids grow up.. Is Rach going to break my heart? Countless times, as I’m sure I did with my parents. What if she grows up and wants to move overseas or something? I can’t be apart from her like that!

Trying to take one day at a time and I just tell myself that Shane and I are doing the best we can. It’s so hard, but so worth it. Rachel is the best thing that’s ever happened to us.

<3

 

rachie

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Erica August 11, 2014 at 12:06 am

I can completely relate with all of that and I’m only 2 months in! During pregnancy was when the whole mortality thing hit me, I was constantly paranoid something would happen. Now that he’s here it’s a billion times worse! I go back to work in two weeks and I’m dreading it and so scared to leave him with someone else. I already feel so sad when we put him to bed at night because we’ll be apart (Ben thinks I’m weird). I know I broke my parents’ hearts when I moved away and never came back, so you’re right – Isaac will probably break my heart too someday!

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Liz Garcia August 11, 2014 at 6:52 am

You got it! You have had that “A-ha!’ moment of motherhood. I hate to admit it, but I think that I love my kid more than my husband. My kid is a part of me. My flesh and blood. Watching him have a seizure is terrifying, but I have to remain calm to keep my husband from freaking out and to help my kid weather the storm. I am afraid to let him go off to school in two years with epilepsy. I am fearful of that day when he will have a seizure at school and I won’t be there. I hope that friends or other people will come to his aid. You want your children to have wings and soar, but at the same time you want to protect them. It is challenging.

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