I think nobody will be surprised at how this went down. It was a tough day out there. I had a horrible swim (15 minutes slower than 2012) and suffered even more on the bike. I actually felt great til mile 70 or so. I was surprised at how quickly things went downhill – I really and truly believed that not only would I finish this race, but that I would PR. How could I possibly be any slower than last time?
At mile 90 on the bike I told my family I thought I was done. I was so dehydrated that I was no longer sweating (even though I refueled every 10 miles!! I’ve GOT to figure out what is going on with my nutrition – anyone have any good recommendations for finding out?)
The only reason I even started the run was I saw my buddy Jarrett (who was guiding deaf/blind athlete Andy) get off the bike behind me and I thought we could hang out for a bit. They picked up the pace and my stomach wasn’t going to let me hang. Watching (and re-watching several times, hah) their finish – at 11:49pm – was the best part of the race. Jarrett said he always wanted a midnight finish!!
Anyway, at mile 4 on the run, I just realized I had nothing to prove. I had done this once, I’d do it again, but now wasn’t the time. My body had already given me 118.4 miles – I couldn’t ask it to do any more. Not today. I stopped at medical and told them I wasn’t feeling well. They asked if I wanted to pull out and I said yes.
In that moment, I had many fleeting emotions. I felt sad because I knew I could probably push through it…at a cost, however. It was a price I wasn’t willing to pay. I felt regret – not about not training harder, but about the hours I had spent away from Rachel on the days I did train, only to be met with failure. I felt relief – that this was finally over and now I wasn’t even sure why I had begun.
My heart wasn’t in it this time. I’m sure I’ll give it another go in the future, but right now I just want to take some time off…it’s just a hobby, something I do for fun. This time it wasn’t fun.
After all of those feelings flooded over me, one after the other, they died away just as quickly. And after that and since then I’ve just felt nothing. Nothing at all.