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On honesty.

by Christa on January 21, 2013

in Daily Digest,Life Story

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what you read online and how people present themselves.
Isn’t it the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle that states observing something will inherently change the behavior of that which is being observed?  Pretty sure.
Man, if that were a Jeopardy! question I’d have knocked it out of the park.
I think I’m fairly honest about how the life I lead and how I come across. My life is fairly busy yet monotonous (I wake up every day, go to work, go to activities, etc), so posts are generally rushed or repetitive.
But I’ve skimmed topics ranging from depression to emptiness to complete bliss.  So there’s that.
Sometimes I’m idealistic.  Look….I have more faults than I can count on all my fingers and toes.  But why would I choose to talk ONLY about those?  I think if I’m going to look back on my little piece of the internet, which we all know is written in ink, I’m going to want to remember the happy things, the things that inspire me, the light heartedness.
On the other hand, you can’t just bottle up feelings.  Family issues, career dissatisfaction, moments of self non-actualization (it’s a thing) – can’t those be saved for wine nights with your gal pals?  I’m hard to get to know as it is (INTJ, peeps), so why would I let everyone in?  Since that’s essentially what this is.
And I was telling my friend Shea I have a knack for doing with other people’s problems what I do with my own – saying everything will be ok and oh, this will blow over, and oh, yknow, there’s always a way.  But that’s not helpful to others nor to myself, and I want to stop.  I want to be someone that people can come to with problems and I’ll help and be there and not gloss over feelings just because it makes everyone uncomfortable.  Cause guess what – it’s ok to be uncomfortable.  Healthy even.
So I’m trying.  I’m trying lots of new things for me this year.  I’m trying to not be so judgy wudgy. I’m trying to not be terrified of starting a family (I’m not pregnant).  I’m trying to learn to accept myself for who I am instead of the person I think I should be or could or would have been.  I could or would have never been that person, because that’s not who I am.  And we all still have plenty of potential. It’s never too late.  Can you just trust me on that one?

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Caryn January 22, 2013 at 7:57 am

I think this is the first step accepting yourself for who you are. I’m proud of you, lady! Sometimes people arent honest on the Internet because they want to craft a certain image. Don’t want to look weak. But in reality, readers respect being real more. I think you are a beautiful person inside and out. Even though you might think people have an expectation of who you should be, really that’s only you projecting your feelings onto them. Be yourself and I know not only will everyone love you, but they will respect you for being true to yourself and YOU will be so much happier. It is when you focus on doing the things that you want to do, when you’re honest with yourself and others that you become truly happy. Love you lady !!

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Christa January 22, 2013 at 9:16 am

Thanks for the kind words, Caryn.
I agree with people crafting a certain image, and that’s what I’ve tried NOT to do. But it’s easy to fall into a pattern of glossing over things.
And the truth is that I AM a happy person these days, but I need to be more acutely aware of what it is that’s making me so, and make an effort to focus on that.
Love YOU!

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Marisa January 22, 2013 at 10:30 am

1. Thanks for the pregnancy status update :)

And let’s go ahead and say it, sometimes the “judgy wudgy” IS the honest answer that makes people uncomfortable, so don’t you stop that now. I know I should reconsider something I’m planning on or just said if I get that sideways glance from you.

Frankly though, I think a lot of it is an expectations game though. People present a certain image because they perceive other people’s expectations of who they should be or they have an internal expectation themselves. I’m hitting 30 this year and have thought a bit about expectations in relation to relationships. People start to ask (and I don’t even usually feel like it’s rude) what my plan is. Do I want to be married? Do I want to have kids? Do I think I’ll have enough time to meet someone and do the latter? Or in the case of Cindy, she just tells me I need to meet someone cause she got board studying for finals last month and planned my bachelorette party in 3 different cities. Greaaaaaat.

I remember telling one of my girlfriends in college, Lindsay May, after one of her break ups that she expected so much of guys I wondered if she would ever find a guy who lived up to all she was hoping to find. Her response was candid and with a shrug, “If I don’t, then I’ll be single my whole life. I don’t have to settle and date someone because people think I should get married someday.” Ok, I paraphrased, but you get the point and what she said stuck with me. I think the philosophy applies to a lot of the expectation game in life.

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Christa January 22, 2013 at 10:57 am

hahahah ok, well I’ll try to keep giving some clutch side-eye. ;)

I agree, lots of expectations games. And I just read your post about the bubblegum girls, and that stuck too. I feel like that comes from what kind of expectations women have for other women – what kind of woman they should be, what kind of partner they should be, what kind of mother they should be. Not ok.

I also agree with Lindsay – but it’s hard to stop wanting something that the world tells you to want. That’s one of my other goals for the year – stop wanting things I don’t want.

All of that being said, I’m very interested in hearing about your bachelorette party!

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terra January 25, 2013 at 1:41 pm

Love that you immediately follow a mention of starting a family with the status of your uterus. I would have wondered if you hadn’t.

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