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Reflections…

by Christa on April 5, 2012

in Just Nothing

I’m obsessed with Dance Moms.  I love it!  It’s great drama, I love dance, I love music, and I love dance.  Did I say I love dance?  I haven’t danced in ages.  Since I owned a studio really.  I’ve taken maybe 2 classes since moving to Houston.  I just don’t care.  I said to Shane the other night, “This was the only thing I’ve ever truly loved to do, and if my heart’s not in that, where is it?”

But that got me thinking.  Did I ever really love to dance, or did I only love it because it’s the only thing I ever knew?  Was I too scared to branch out to something else?  I don’t think that’s it, because I did love to express myself through the art.  But I was good, and I knew I was good.  I wonder if that contributed to my love for it at all.  Everyone loves to be good, really good, at something.  I’m not really good at anything else.  I’m fairly athletic, I’m smart at trivial things but nothing that can really get me anywhere.  I’m pretty average at everything – but I was a GOOD dancer.

I am not good at running.  I am not good at triathlon.  And yknow what’s funny?  I don’t care.  I’m not willing to make the sacrifices it would take to be good at it.  I’m not used to not being good at what I do, though.

I said the other day, “I thought I was ok with being mediocre, but it turns out that’s just not my personality.”  If I’m going to do something, I want to do it well.  Even if it’s just subconsciously.

I’m not good at dance anymore though.  I’ve lost flexibility.  I’ve lost the ability to pick up on choreography quickly.  But most of all, I’ve lost the heart.  I remember what it was like to have the heart for it, especially when I watch the shows and I see the fire in the kids’ eyes.  I had that fire once too, but I don’t anymore, and I won’t ever again.  It’s not where my heart is.

To be honest, I don’t know where my heart is.  I’ll never be a stellar runner or triathlete, nowhere near where I was as a dancer.  But it’s something for now.  It’s enough.

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