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Standing Still, Part II

by Christa on March 19, 2012

in Life Story

Part II: Purpose

I am truly focused on making 2012 a good year – for me, for my husband, for my family.  In general.  My word for this year is “light,” and corresponds to my motto, “let the light in.”  I want to live with purpose.  I want to be open and let light in…as you might have guessed.  I’m having trouble with this already.

I’ve heard a lot of things this past week that have been speaking to me.  First, my friend Kaci posted something on Facebook that I can really relate to – she said, “Not too long ago, someone said to me: “I don’t know how you do it.” The answer is two-fold. 1. I don’t. 2. I’m always about 2.5 seconds away from a complete breakdown.”

Well, people always say that to me, and my answers are the same as hers – I don’t, AND I’m always 2.5 seconds away from a complete breakdown.

I’m like a house.  Just a regular, ok house.  It looks good on the outside, pretty sturdy looking.  But there are cracks in the foundation.  For so long I’ve tried to convince myself that the cracks don’t need to be fixed – as long as the outside is fine, I’ll be fine, right?

Do you know what happens to a house with cracks in the foundation?  How about when there’s additional stress put inside?  They can’t be ignored any longer – sooner or later, the house is going to implode, sink, start breaking apart.  And if you sort of, kind of address the problem, but don’t really fix it, it’s bound to happen again…right?

But I don’t know where to start.  Where did I go wrong?  When did I become someone who needed help, who wasn’t ok, who couldn’t just be happy?  God that would be so easy IF IT WERE SO EASY.   Something’s missing and I don’t know what it is. And the person that I am just can’t let anyone help – I’m afraid of more damage that might be caused to me, to my house.  I don’t want to be hurt. My MO in the past (and present it would seem) is keep things light, don’t let it get too heavy, don’t let anyone in, hurt them before they hurt you, push them away, keep them out.

Jennifer Weiner wrote, “I want a house with hardwood floors, and I don’t want anyone to come inside.”  Yes, another quote I read this week that spoke to me.  I AM a house with hardwood floors, and I won’t let anyone come inside.

My resolution is proving to be much harder than just changing.  Someone who’s been holding dark inside for so long can’t simply let light in.  The voice inside me is saying more loudly than ever, “You can’t do this.  You’re nothing.  You won’t.”  I’ve gone wrong somewhere.  But where?

This wasn’t my secret, but it might as well be.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Sasha March 21, 2012 at 9:54 am

Loved Part II. What a fantastic motto: “let the light in”… Man, I love pieces that have depth and powerful messaging….awesome post, Christa….

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terra March 23, 2012 at 10:12 am

Hugs, lady. I don’t really know what to say, other than that I hope the light finds a way to get it and that I care about you.

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Christa March 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm

thanks terra – i value your friendship.

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