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Standing Still, Part I

by Christa on February 15, 2012

in Daily Digest,Just Nothing,Ragey

Part I: Breaking Point

I’ve reached a breaking point.  A point where I simply cannot keep up with everything, I cannot keep holding people’s hands when they ask for my help, I cannot say yes to every happy hour/fundraiser/dinner/run/movie/etc.  While I find it extraordinarily annoying when people go on “OMGSOBUSY” schpiels, I am a little overwhelmed right now. Obviously, I bring the busy on myself.  Usually it doesn’t bother me…I loooove chaos and I love being busy and always having something to do and feeling productive.  But recently, there’s been a ribbon of bitterness in all the fun.  I find that the more I put on my plate, the more insufferable I find people who claim to be omgsobusy and ask for my help with god-knows-what, even though I KNOW they have eons of time on their hands compared to me.  And don’t even get me started on the ones who make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute – if you know anything about me, you know that’s my biggest pet peeve, right next to not RSVPing.  And of course I tell myself what you’re probably thinking – that it’s their choice to not have that much going on, their prerogative to be able to relax, to have some free time.

And the funny part is, I feel like I can say no to all the people who understand why I’m saying no, the ones who are usually going through a lot of the same stuff.  But the people I feel like I can’t turn down are the people who don’t seem to understand, who don’t seem to be there for me, who ONLY support me or hang out with me when it’s convenient or fun for them.  Which is fine, by all means, keep hanging out with me when it’s convenient, just understand that I’m going to do the same now.

I was discussing this on a run yesterday with another TNT friend and he agreed that he has trouble saying no to social events (who doesn’t want to go to happy hour with their friends??), but that that particular circle doesn’t really *get* him anymore.  The fact that maybe my friends don’t *get* me is even sadder than the fact that I’m actively seeking to sacrifice time with them.  If they don’t understand that this is something I want…nay, NEED, in my life and HAVE to do, then how well do they really know me?

Y’know what’s depressing? Last month I ran the Houston Marathon for a great cause.  Yeah, it was my third marathon.  But yknow what?  Marathons are fucking hard.  They are 26.2 miles. And it feels exactly like running 26.2 miles might feel.  Running by someone you know for just five seconds and having them cheer you on is so motivational, it gives you just a little burst of energy that can make all the difference.  I find myself constantly thinking about the next time I’ll see someone I know, because my parents are at mile 16 or there’s a TNT cheer station at mile 24.

I sent out an email to about 15 friends, with a link to the race course, and informing them that it was another friend’s FIRST HALF MARATHON EVER and if they could come, drink mimosas, cheer for her (and also me, since they’re there, duh), that would be great. One person replied and I saw exactly one person from that email, that person, my sister-in-law, because she’s the best sister-in-law ever and one of my best friends and amazing and awesome.  She would have been there without an email, as was her husband and my parents and husband and mom-in-law…who could ask for anything more, right??

I get it.  It’s a Saturday.  It’s MY choice to be out there running and their choice to be in bed.  Here’s the part where I’m bitter as hell and the whole situation sucks monkey balls: I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR THEM.  One-way friendships are not really my thing.  At least not anymore.  So I’ve had to force myself to stop catering to everyone. I’m not so much angry.  I’m sad.  I’m depressed.  I’m depressed that I’m willing to do things for other people that they are unwilling to do for me.  It’s like that saying, “who needs enemies with friends like that?”  I can’t bring myself to think about it very much.  Edited to add: Off topic, but Shane and I have been exploring the new universe that is “couple friends” and have found a pretty awesome group, in my opinion.  I could write a whole other post on how it’s weird that we’re old enough to have “couple friends.” Ah well.  In 5 years we’ll probably have “parent friends.”  Whatever, our couple group rocks.  They’re low on the drama scale and high on the funny scale.

Obviously I don’t expect people to come to all my races***.  That’s stupid and would be hella boring for them, and hella time consuming since I run a lot of races.  It’s the fact that I ASKED specifically for this one, for me and my friend, for some motivation.  Oy. This is just an example…a metaphor, if you will.  This is a metaphor for some of my friendships.  I feel like I’m giving everything I have to keep up relationships, and I don’t have anything left to give.

I will be calm.  I will not be bitter.  I will extract myself from situations that make me bitter and frustrated and angry and sad and annoyed.  I just know this is going to be a great year, but I have to MAKE it a great year.  This is Part I.

***But yes, everyone I know is expected to attend IMTX.  It’s a 17-hour-window, people.  I think you can find time.  I NEED you there.  Plus, I might die.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

aimee (the SIL with the mostest!) February 16, 2012 at 11:32 am

here i was congratulating you for finally deciding it was time to put yourself first and say no when i was hit with the lovely and touching shout out :) i’m there to cheer (email or not) cause, duhhh, i’d rather it be you doing whatever race than me!! i’m so proud of your dedication to LLS and every other cause. and giiirrrllll, we’re SIL for LIFE so i’m glad you like me! (ps. the feeling is mutual!) xoxoxo

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Christa February 16, 2012 at 11:45 am

awww, thanks SIL!! you really are the one with the mostest. i’m so excited for you to make your half marathon debut this weekend! looking forward to expo-ing and dinner-ing and running and celebrating! :) xoxo

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Sasha February 21, 2012 at 9:14 am

As always, love following your posts/life/woes, Christa, because they’re so damn relatable. Absolutely love the ‘real’ factor. Great post…can’t wait for Part 2…

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Christa February 24, 2012 at 9:21 am

thanks Sasha, I appreciate the support. part 2 coming :o )

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terra February 23, 2012 at 5:32 am

This is tough stuff, something I struggle with. I have a friend who I love, but she’s a naysayer, discounting everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing, only calls when she needs a +1 to something and generally has a bad attitude. BUT, we have fun together sometimes. Friends are hard, figuring out which friends are the right friends and true friends can suck.

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Christa February 24, 2012 at 9:22 am

truer words have never been spoken. isn’t that crazy how you can like someone and have fun with them and still realize you’re not REAL friends? oy.

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