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Summertime Blues

by Christa on July 7, 2011

in Daily Digest,Just Nothing,Nine to Five

I’m bummed. And I don’t know why.  I have good ideas, but honestly – when I try to put the pieces together, it just doesn’t add up.  What’s missing?  Gots me feelin like:

My job is stressful, yes.  But I think that’s true of any job that works with…people.  But deadlines are imposed, impossible deadlines.  I’m surrounded by negativity.  And I think the worst part is that I really do work in the ghetto – it’s a very industrial area, since it’s manufacturing.  Many stray dogs, all of whom I want to save. But what am I gonna do, be late to work every day?  Miss meetings to feed Fido? I’ve been reaching out to BARC, but today I was just told that there aren’t enough resources.  Sad.  So…many stray dogs and what I’m sure was one prostitute.

Training.  It’s ok.  Running is no problem.  Swimming is alright.  Bike?  I’m a failure.  It’s supposed to be the EASIEST part.  I can’t even use the shoe cages yet.  I don’t know when or how to gear up and down.  I tried to signal the other day and almost fell.  And I’m just frustrated because the training schedule is like – ok 60 minutes of bike on Tuesday and Thursday.  HELLO?!  I can barely ride 20 minutes at a time….        And…ok…not to be conceited, this is just pure fact (and my sister is the same way and we discussed it a few weeks ago)…I’m pretty much good at everything.  Everything I try, it just comes naturally.  I’m good with people, I’m pretty good at sports, I can figure computer shit out. AND THIS FUCKING BIKE DOES NOT COME NATURALLY. Why won’t it?!

Today was really uplifting donation-wise.  I tweeted that I was $5 away from $1400 – and suddenly I had $75 in donations.  That was awesome.  I’m so grateful to everyone, especially the repeat donators.  Here’s the part where I’m a horrible person – I can’t help but think of the people who HAVEN’T donated for the SECOND season in a row  – in the back of my head.  Especially people who I’ve supported, monetarily or otherwise.  Not everyone has the money to spend, I get that.  But $5?  $5.  Every dollar counts.  It’s not like it’s my shoe fund – this is for cancer.  It’s just a bummer.  But I remember what one of the staff members said at a meeting - “Some of your best friends won’t donate a dime and some strangers will donate $100.00.” – WITNESS.

Another quality I’ve been noticing in people – and I notice it because I used to possess this quality (and probably still do to some degree even though I’m trying not to): being “honest” – and I put it in quotes because this is what people tell themselves to feel better about what they’re saying – but really being rude.  Nobody needs you to be as honest as YOU feel like you should be.  If you think it might hurt someone, keep it to yourself.  “I’m just being honest!”  No, you’re being rude and I will punch you in your stupid face.  It’s just mean.  Don’t lose friends over needing to feel self-righteous. Kthxbye.

Also – I’ve been kind of quiet on the fact that I’ve lost nearly 20 lbs since moving back to TX – all the weight I gained in Charlotte.  But I’ve gained 3 lbs the past month and I KNOW it is from stress – oy.  I’m fatigued, I’m starving all the time, and I’m so fucking blue.

Um…so that’s all….venting…etc.  Pub Crawl is comin’ up – light at the end of the tunnel since that’s my biggest fundraiser and also a helluva time, even though it takes forever to set up.  Don’t worry – everyone coming – I’m not going to be at all bummed that day.  I will be ready to go!

But for now….just let me be bummed.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

terra July 11, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Congratulations on the weight loss – that’s really impressive!

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KiTX July 12, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Dude, I feel you on the bummed-ness. I blame grad school for mine- although I know it’s a good thing to pour work into and that it’s going to benefit me in the long run, I still hate it and the fact that it has massacred my social life and taken over my entire world. Add to that the fact that there is family stuff going on and that I’m me and therefore occasionally angsty- consider me your summer blues company. Here’s to us coming out of it sometime soon. (And the bike riding will get better, I promise- one day it’s going to click and the bike will be your B.)

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ameena July 18, 2011 at 11:06 am

oh dear, i’m so sorry to hear about your sads. i hope things start looking up soon!

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