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A quick note.

by Christa on October 11, 2010

in Daily Digest,Life Story

I have so many blogs I wanna write.  Like about my husband and about Taylor Swift’s new song and how corporate America makes me want to Hemingway myself and about metaphysical things etc etc

But I said it out loud to myself today – like. like. Like we’ve lived in North Carolina for almost three years now.  And it’s still as foreign to me as when we moved here.  The words don’t even sound natural when they come out of my mouth, “I live in North Carolina.”  What?  Where is that?

And I suppose that’s because it’s not home.  It’s so bizarro to me.  What do you mean, I’ve lived in NORTH  CAROLINA for three years?  What does that even mean?  I won’t say that the past three years have been a waste, because they certainly haven’t been.  Yeah, I got mean (but I was always mean), yeah, I gained weight (but I’m still thinner than most), yeah…I’m still confused and innately still me.

We got married.  That’s the most important thing.  S advanced his career; I think he’s also mellowed out a little – hola!.  I got sick and then I got better;  I’m still doing ok for now.  I jumped some jobs, made some short-term friends (and long-term friends who’ll get a post of their own) and learned a few lessons, for which I’ll forever be grateful.  Some being:
Never put too much stock in anything.

Don’t assume that just because you’re honest, other people are also.

Never underestimate what people will do to feel better about themselves.  They never hesitate to compromise their own character.

Jealousy is a really REALLY ugly thing.  See above.

I’ll stop beyond “trust no one” and say, “trust everyone once.”  Respect is earned – and nobody gets mine without having earned it. And once you lose it, it’s gone.

So the story is this – I moved here for a boyfriend.  Our future wasn’t set in stone but I figured I’d give it a shot.  I’d never lived outside of Texas (unless you count Germany, which I don’t, because foreign places really are too foreign to count), and I wanted to see what it could be about.  I think about two weeks into the ordeal, I knew we’d be moving back to Texas.  There’s something about it – it’s magnetic.  Can I quote John Steinbeck?  Ok, I’ll quote him:

“I have said that Texas is a state of mind, but I think it is more than that. It is a mystique closely approximating a religion. And this is true to the extent that people either passionately love Texas or passionately hate it and, as in other religions, few people dare to inspect it for fear of losing their bearings in mystery or paradox. But I think there will be little quarrel with my feeling that Texas is one thing. For all its enormous range of space, climate, and physical appearance, and for all the internal squabbles, contentions, and strivings, Texas has a tight cohesiveness perhaps stronger than any other section of Am…erica. Rich, poor, Panhandle, Gulf, city, country, Texas is the obsession, the proper study and the passionate possession of all Texans.”

I moved from Texas with a boy.  About that boy I am sure.  I’m moving back with a husband and two incredibly hilarious dogs.  Life is going to take us on some crazy path – of that I am also sure.  I’m a mess, he’s a grounding force – together we are anything but boring.

My point is this – there’s a reason “North Carolina” feels so strange coming out of my mouth.  And that’s because it’s not where we’re meant to be.  We’ll end up at that place.

Maybe we already are at that place?  A place between homes where the only real home is us?

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